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Identity - complete

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Jun. 21st, 2005 | 03:48 pm
posted by: ramychan in painterofwords

There are things I want to say that sound flat in conversation, or sound contrived in my personal journal, so I thought the best way to convey these feelings and thoughts would be to write an essay. There will be no forward to the piece other than this paragraph for reasons that have to do with audience. I'm letting everyone read this, but it's been written for one person in particular.


If there's ever to be a window into your soul, you must break the wall from the inside first.

I've always felt that I know myself well. It's a comforting, reassuring feeling. You become your own best friend, of sorts, in that you know what you need when you need it and you're there for yourself. It's you, so you can never let yourself down, you figure.

If you figure that, you're dead wrong.

I'm constantly forecasting and projecting how I'll react to things or how I'll deal in a certain situation. It's a protective measure. If I can be prepared for how I'll feel when it comes, then I'll deal with the feelings better, I figure. I could save myself before I'd ever truly need saving. Kind of like getting shots; they inject the actual disease in you in a small quantity so that your body can become immune to it, that way your body can't contract the disease at its full capacity. If I gave myself a dose of how I'd feel before I felt it, then I'd never truly feel it, I thought. If I had warning, I could somehow make the blow less harsh. Until I had to make forecasts for things that, at the time, I had no depth perception of the kind of feelings I'd feel, my system worked.

I've always felt that people know me well. Whenever someone would say something about me I'd always be pleased because I usually agreed with what they said. Over the years, however, I've realized that most of what anyone could ever say about me would always ring true in some way, so they could never really go wrong. Did that mean that they didn't really know me? Or what exactly does that say about me?

Easily put, I have a versatile personality. I'm able to be what different people need me to be when they need it, and I enjoy being able to do that. It can become somewhat stressful in that you're constantly learning new people and thus creating a new facet of yourself to go with that person. You begin to realize that you have boundaries with each person you know. No, I can't say that to this person...no, this person wouldn't understand...no, I better not go there with this person. It's like a game of chess. You learn how to maneuver each piece when you first learn how to play, but your gameplay each and every time you play is different; your moves depend on how the other player moves.

Being a person like this presents you with two issues: who are you and who can you be yourself with?

Who are you...who am I? Now that's not a hard question for me to answer internally, because I know myself well. I love who I am. I am who I want to be. I do, however, let myself down. All the projection in the world couldn't save me from what's hiding behind life's corners, but I try anyway. I know that all I can do is hold on and ride it through, but I still try to prepare myself for what's to come. But when I'm too busy preparing myself to experience it - or I don't prepare myself correctly - I end up failing myself. I miss out on the bigger picture. I don't see things for what they truly are.

I've never been asked to show a different side of myself until I started trying to form relationships. I've always been able to know what I should be with someone. But when I find someone that I can be myself with - someone I finally feel there are no boundaries with and I could say anything to - the fear of losing that one person overtakes me. Their sheer value and uniqueness is blinding. Even more blinding is the fear of loss that becomes all that I feed on emotionally. The intensity of finding someone that doesn't require any other learning but of who they are is enough to blow someone like me away. I don't have to figure out who I am with them...I'm just me. But that's where it becomes difficult. The fear of loss changes me. It takes all of the things that make me who I am and masks them to the other person. I start to feel that I have to make sure I don't lose this person; it becomes my most important mission. So I do everything that my fear leads me to do. I get desperate; I become weak. I become a shell of myself.

When you're asked to be yourself, shouldn't that be the easiest thing to oblige? It is, in theory...but in fact? Until the fear of loss washes away, it's the hardest damn thing to do. I have to mentally fight the fear of loss until I don't feel scared anymore. For the first time in my life, I won that fight. I'm no longer scared. Once I've done that, I have to learn to be myself with the person. Granted, they always saw 'me'...just not the core of me. They heard the words, but they didn't see the proof. They didn't see my strength, my confidence, my dominant nature, my need to be the best. And that right there is so important, because that's the one gift I will give to this person alone. When I let them into my heart, that one person is the only person that I can surrender to. It has to do with trust and admiration. If I can truly be myself with them, I put trust in them, and I begin to admire them because they've earned my trust. Only then can I surrender. What I'm surrendering might not mean much to anyone else, but to me? It means the world. I surrender my need for perfection to them. They become the one person in this world that I can allow to best me without a fight. I'd rather fight beside them than against them. It all comes down to the admiration and trust. When I have those two feelings invested in someone, I know that I can let them be the best, because I can trust in them to take the reins of the position and do it justice. I want them to be the best so I can be with the best and be the best with them. I have admiration for them. Not even my best friend could fill these shoes.

You can be your own worst enemy. Sometimes the hardest fight is held within. If there's ever to be a window into your soul, you must break the wall from the inside first. I want to be me, only with someone else. I want to be the best, but I'd rather be the best as a team with my soulmate. I've jumped the first hurdle; I've defeated my fear of loss. Now I only have to continue to let the core of me shine through. I feel like I've found the person I can surrender to.

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